Words Can Not Express

The way that I feel right now is unbearable. I feel so horrible. It has been a very, very long time since I've felt this way. My hands were shaking; my lips were trembling; my heart was beating incredibly fast; a

nd I could feel my emotions on my face. It is difficult to explain the emotion. I am boiling with rage, but I feel very much like I want to cry. If anyone recalls a name for it, I would appreciate it.

In class, my students were talking -- as they often do -- and I asked them to open their books. Every day, I waste about 3 minutes attempting to get students to open their books. After telling the class to open their books, I usually have to go around and tell multiple students personally to open their books. The process is aggrivating and indicative of a lack of respect. I had to tell Yujin to open her book personally. She was engaged -- as usual -- in a conversation with Plore

ce. I then asked her to stop talking, and as soon as I turned around, she started talking again. Then I asked her to change seats. She refused. Then I grabbed her and, repeatedly urging come on, I told her to move. She refused, and, recognizing that I was becoming peeved, I took a few steps back and gave her the ultimatum. She had a choice between moving to another seat or leaving the classroom. In her silence I found disdain, and pulled her from her chair and out the room. She put up quite a fight physically, which was traumatic for me, but in order to garner respect, I had to follow through. As she was leaving, I decided to go talk to her, but when I stepped out of the classroom, she was running out the front door of the school bawling. Brian asked me if I was angry and I said yes and apologized. I don't know why I apologized, it slipped from my mouth. I wanted to apologize again, but my mind took control of my body and emotions so I didn't. I continued class, but I was shaking and I couldn't focus. After class, Anne teacher told me "Yujin cried a lot."

I feel horrible and I can't shake this feeling. I have lost my appetite but my stomach is growling. I can't complete my phone teaching because I can't get my mind off of Yujin. Even though my logic is telling me I did the right thing, my emotions are screaming Asshole and I am filled with shame.

While the magnitude is unprecedented, this feeling is quite common for me. I frequently feel and behave this way. I made an example of her -- I do this often. My thinking is clear to me. You know what you should do. Your selfishness and pride are not masked by a confusion of morals, but blatant disrespect for others. How can you possibly convince someone to put others before themselves? I know I did not earn and do not deserve this feeling, but that doesn't prevent me from having it.